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Humor December 2016

Gray Matter

Aging Gracefully? Not Me.

By Jody Lebel

I can’t remember the last time I got down on the floor to do anything. Except that time I dropped my ring under the couch and the couch was too heavy to move. That time I was rolling around on the floor for over two hours. It took two firemen to hoist me up.

Aging is not for the faint of heart, my friends, and there’s certainly no future in it. Sadly I’ve begun to measure my good days by what doesn’t hurt when I get up in the morning. And what doesn't hurt often doesn't work. And what doesn’t work can’t be repaired. Or if it can be repaired, it will cost too much to fix. I’m like a 1965 Ford Falcon. With a little research, you can find the parts, but, man, are they expensive. At least my investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

I’m aware that there are distinct signs of getting old such as weight gain, wrinkles, and voting Republican. In addition I no longer pooh-pooh stories about bad knees, afternoon naps, and I accept the fact that parts of me that had been perfectly content for years have now packed it in and moved south. But I watched some award show a few weeks ago and frankly I had no idea who those actors were, nor can I name any song on the radio or tell you who the artist is. When did all these people change? Am I on the right planet? And just what is uptown funk anyway?

Here are a few awful truths about aging.

  1. I can't remember the last time I threw some pillows down gypsy style, grabbed a bottle of wine, and lay on the floor to watch a good movie. I can’t remember the last time I got down on the floor to do anything. Except that time I dropped my ring under the couch and the couch was too heavy to move. That time I was rolling around on the floor for over two hours. It took two firemen to hoist me up.

  2. As I age I keep cutting my hair shorter and shorter. I’m starting to look like my father. And that bottle of shampoo has been in my shower so long I’m starting to think it might be a mystical experience.

  3. People call at nine p.m. and say, "I hope I didn’t wake you?" I try to get my hoarse voice to not sound like I’m an extra in the Exorcist cast, and I somehow manage to croak out, “No, no, I was just – um – reading.” There will be a long pause. Then my friend will say, “Jody, is that you?” At that point I hang up.

  4. My best friend is dating someone half her age and isn't breaking any laws. I don’t know why I even mentioned this. This is really okay. But I have to tell you she must be squeezing the youth out of these guys like juice from an orange because the next day she always looks great. Me? I look like the morning after even though I haven’t been anywhere. At least I don’t remember being anywhere.

  5. At this age once I conk out for the night I sleep very soundly and I don’t move around much. Sometimes when I’m staying over at my daughter’s, they worry that I’m dead. If she hovers over the bed to check my breathing one more time, I’m going to scream. And speaking of my daughter, I didn’t want to tell her but seriously she’s beginning to look middle aged.

  6. When you ask anyone who isn’t old to check their mail, they’ll open up their Gmail account. Me? I walk out the front door and down the driveway. My granddaughter became concerned that Grandma was starting to wander.

  7. I don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. It’s a shame too. But it’s all right; I can’t drive at night anyway. I still love Taco Bell and at my age I don't want to eat healthy food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

On the bright side, it’s all how you look at things. On a sinking ship, I’d be in the front row for the lifeboats; and in the case of a hostage situation, I’d be the first to get released. So to conclude, if I’ve repeated anything in this column, forgive me. Even though my brain cells are finally down to a manageable size, my memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory is not as sharp as it used to be.

“At my age, flowers scare me.” -- George Burns

 

To balance out her dark days as a criminal court reporter, Jody Lebel writes romantic suspense novels and humorous short stories.

Meet Jody